MURPHY WAS A GENEALOGIST

The keeper of the vital records you need
will have just been insulted by another genealogist.

Your great-grandfather's obituary states that he died, leaving no issue of record.

The town clerk you wrote to in desperation,
and finally convinced to give you the information you need,
can't write legibly, and doesn't have a copying machine.

That ancient photograph of four relatives, one of whom is your progenitor,
carries the names of the other three.

Copies of old newspapers have holes which occur only on maiden and surnames.

No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, always rented property,
was never sued, and was never named in wills.

You learned that Great Aunt Matilda's executor just sold
her life's collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer
"somewhere in New York City."

Yours is the ONLY last name not found among the billions
in the LDS archives in Salt Lake City.

Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional
to the value of the data recorded.

Anything that could have burned, did.

The census taker with the clear handwriting and good ink
never enumerated your ancestors.

If you find a well-documented, illustrious ancestor,
you've probably made a mistake.

Your folks hated government and never filled out forms.

The book you need is never indexed, or, if indexed, doesn't include people.

Your families never had attics, much less Bibles or boxes full of photos.

All real library "finds" are made five minutes before closing,
when the copier is broken.

The correctly shelved books and correctly filed forms are never the ones you need.

The person sitting next to you at the research centre
is finding ancestors every five minutes...and telling you.

The e-mail address that bounces is the one from a person who listed your exact names.
If you find a working address, you aren't related.

Your cemeteries have no caretaker or records archive.

Alternate spellings and arcane names were your folks' favourite pastimes.

Your ancestors only knew three names,
and used them over and over in every collateral line.

Your mother neglects to mention that,
"Oh, yes, we knew they changed their name.

The critical link in your family tree is named "Smith."

The document containing evidence of the missing link
in your research invariably will be lost due to fire, flood or war.

The will you need is in the safe on board the "Titanic".

The spelling of your European ancestor's name
bears no relationship to its current spelling or pronunciation.

The 37 volume, sixteen-thousand-page history of your county of origin isn't indexed.

The blot on the page of the census covers your grandmother's birth date!

Your ancestor's will leaves his estate to his beloved wife and children
but he doesn't name them.

The only overturned, face-down gravestone in the cemetery
is your great-great grandfather's!

You finally find your ancestor's obituary in an old newspaper
and all it says is "Died last week."

You finally get a day off from work to travel to a courthouse --
and when you get there it's closed for emergency plumbing repairs.

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DEFINITIONS

BABY: A new acorn on the family tree.
CEMETERY: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.
CUSSIN: what genealogists do when they can't find one.
FLOOR: (n) The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
GENEALOGIST: One always in search of a good dead man!
GENEALOGY: People collecting people!
GENEALOGY: A hay stack full of needles. It's the threads I need.
GENEALOGY: Collecting dead relatives and sometimes a live cousin!
GENEALOGY: The marriage of a jigsaw puzzle to a dungeon & dragons game.
GENEALOGY: Tracing descent from someone who didn't.
GENEALOGY: Tracing yourself back to better people.
FAMILY HISTORY: a quilt work of lives.
KINSHIP: it's all relative!
RESEARCH: What I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
 

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ALL IN THE FAMILY

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter, who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

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COMPUTERS WERE INVENTED TO DO GENEALOGY

A computer is a typewriter with an attitude.

Computer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from.

FAM_TREE.LST not found. Create new genealogist? (Y/n)

If only ancestors came with pull-down menus and on-line help...

New mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

PAF the Magic Dragon: a carriage to the past.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

{-------- The information went data way --------}

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

Bad command or file name!
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

SYSTEM ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
 

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Humor Only Genealogists Can Appreciate


How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??

I should have asked them BEFORE they died!

I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.

My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

I'm searching for myself... Have you seen me?

Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples...

FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it.

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people

A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor!

I think my ancestors had several "Bad Heir" days!

Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress!

Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality...

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

Time flies! Genealogists are the navigators!

A COMPLETE Genealogy just can't be, there's always more.

Search long enough and EVERYONE connects somehow.

There is no such thing as a useless piece of information.

Time and genealogy waits for no man.

Searching for lost relatives? Just win the Lottery!

Snoopers welcome! Feel free to provide comments and relatives! 

Genealogy is great when you score!

Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.

May you ask the right question of the right person at the right time.

When you search for ancestors, you find great friends!

Life, liberty and the right to know who your ancestors are.

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
 
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes...

Genealogists live in the past lane.

Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.

Always willing to share my ignorance...

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!

Genealogy....will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?

That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards

I researched my family tree...and apparently I don't exist!

When tracing ancestors, please stay within the lines!

Advice to beginners: Boldly start in reverse!

Genealogists diet: "Fiche and Ships topped with tantalizing Sources."

The black sheep keeps the best info on the family.

GENEALOGY is not a hobby, it's an obsession!

Genealogy is not fatal, but it is a grave disease!

Am I in the right family tree?

Am I the only person up my tree?

I finally got it all together. Now where did I put it?

There is nothing that you can take that will cure Gene-Allergy!

There are no answers, only cross-references.

Every time I think I know where they are, they move!

Just when you think you've found them all, Up pops another!

Others work from sun to sun! But a genealogists work is never done!!

Genealogists should also consider the handsome neighbour...

Genealogists never lose their jobs, they just go to another branch!

Genealogists never die, they just lose their census.
 
Genealogists never die, they just get filed away.

Try genealogy. You can't get fired and you can't quit!

Once I gave up on reality, I had so many more options.

"Sure, a real job would be nice, but it would interfere with my genealogy!"

Whoever said Seek and Ye shall find was NOT a genealogist!

I used to have a life, then I started doing genealogy.

If it's only a hobby, why do I feel so stressed out?

Beware of the Genealogy Bug; It's bite can be addictive!

For a reply, send a self-abused, stomped elephant to...

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Genealogy goes on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on... and on...

Genealogy in the buff, no, I mean A genealogy Buff!

I'm no genealogist. ... until this year I spelled it "geneologist!"

I don't believe it! My Birth Certificate expired?

What do you mean my grandparents didn't have any kids?

Searching shipping records is simply naval gazing.

I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.